Sitting on my kitchen floor.....the house is empty, kids are with Jake. I am learning to let go...be ok with the silence and the solitude....it's just me, a glass of wine & my journal. I am at peace with that. God is still here with me. I hate letting go. I wasn't ready or prepared...but I am a grown woman & I am taking the high road...the road of forgiveness, the road of kindness ....the narrow road that is hard & painful & sometimes lonely.
I found a bottle of wine that Jake and I were saving for our ten years in the cabinet the other day. It caught me off guard...but in the moment I laughed and realized just how ironic life is. I opened it and drank up. Toasting to a new beginning. A new start that I did not wish for, but was handed to me....maybe it was a gift. That's the only way I can view it really.
I am toasting to this new year of not planning anything... I have always planned everything...it's my personality...I am a go getter, strong willed & pig headed. Those qualities are good and they are also bad. Balance is all I need...
I have no idea anything of this coming year except that I am going to be a wonderful mom, do the best I can..love those around me, be kind to those who have betrayed me, love like there is no tomorrow...breathe in each moment as it comes...nothing more. And I am perfectly at peace with just that.
I am fine. I am perfectly content.
I am peaceful...I serve a God who has never left me...not like people do. A God who doesn't shun me for my mistakes or makes me feel like an outsider....He is the one true thing in my life.
This year would have killed me without Jesus... seriously.
Through this huge trial, I have learned exactly who I am.
I know that I won't give in ...ever. I stand firm. I am not perfect in that...I drink wine and I take long baths and cry often....but I get up...everytime....I face the new day with new longing. That's all I have to do.
I love my kids, I love going to the movies, I love wearing my vintage dresses, I love being in the moment with someone and really hearing their heart, I love being held and hugged tight.... I am compassionate and forgiving. I am messy and unorganized. I love sitting on my kitchen floor in complete solitude.... I love writing and praying. I love feeling all the emotions...the sadness, the loneliness, the anger, the peace ..and the happiness. I love all the emotions. And I love giving myself a break and knowing that I am fine just as I am. I only need to be right where I am. In that moment. I love knowing that I can love and trust again...and that I am choosing to. I love people and love them right where they are.....I am on a journey...the journey that everyone else is on. Aren't we all just trying to find our place? Aren't we all just wanting someone to see us, for us. Don't we all just want someone to truly love us for who we are...our faults, our messes, our sins, our dreams, our accomplishments, our quirks...just love us for who we are. I know God does. That's all I know. The patience and love...the kindness and forgiveness. It is breathtaking. This year is over...and honestly I couldn't be happier. Here is to a new year.