As I woke up this morning, I realized that I AM A MESS!!!
In fact, a bit of a basket case, if you will. You may not see it from the outside....or if you know me from afar...but if you know me deeper...you would see. I am just being honest about how much I HAVE to rely on God.. ...every. day...every. minute....
...also I am seeing more and more the love my God has. How he welcomes my mess. How He embraces me ...at my highest highs and my lowest lows...His love is endless. If you are like me, growing up in church can either be a great experience or a bad one. Why is it that the most judgemental people are those who claim to know Jesus?....I have never understood that. My view on God is this: endless waves of love....paying the price of death because He adores us so much....the lost are His mission...not to condemn, but to cherish. A God so loving that our minds cannot handle the fact. When you mess up and others point fingers, talk about you or judge you....Jesus is the one with open arms...saying "Find rest in Me, I am your faithful strength, I will never leave you, for there is nothing you could ever do to stop my love".....
That is my view...that is a God worth serving...that is what God is to me.
Faithful, constant, kind.....
If you are stubborn, like me, you fight off your feelings..even stuff them until you burst....and once you burst (because you always do, right?)...you may be sitting on the bathroom floor, crawled up, fetal position, balling your eyes out ...and you NEED Him....and He is right there.
He is holding you even if you don't know it...He is whispering to you "Get up, my love, you are worth so much"...He is constant.
think of constant...
constant is always.
constant is forever.
constant is unconditional.
constant is for YOU to have.....you only need to ask.
Ask and you will receive.
Knock and the door is opened to you.
Seek and you will find.
There is nothing better than a constant love.
I woke up...I felt like a mess....
I gave my cares to Him....knowing He sees me as beautiful.
I know He has got this.
A few pictures from my week....still learning to LET GO...to move ahead...leaving my past behind me. Thank God I have such amazing friends & family. I get up everyday for them. I get up and move on for them....I know they believe in me...and my future...so I am trusting them. I am trusting God....my heart needs a lot of healing. Its been broken, shattered, spit on, crumbled & scattered about. I am trying to find all the pieces again....I want a new heart. I know only God can do that. and it can take time. Although I am smiling everyday...I also cry most days..& that is perfectly ok. This will make me stronger..it already has....
Things are better. I love the rain. Its been raining here for two days.
I am getting a second chance.
A second chance to be picky, to be loved...
I am free now.
I serve the most amazing God. A God who sees my mess & adores me.
He is my completion. I am whole in him...with or without another love.
He whispers to me. He is constant. He is my steadfast. I am not afraid.
He is my faithful husband. He is my peace. He has my heart...therefore I am moving on, guarding it. Protecting my heart that belongs to God. I am not afraid. I let my past go. I let my marriage go. I set it free.
I am joyfully moving on...letting God carry me until we hit the next destination..
I am the Lord your God
I go before you now
I stand beside you
I'm all around you
Though you feel I'm far away
I'm closer than your breath
I am with you more than you know
I am the Lord your peace
No evil with conquer you
Steady now your heart in mine
Come into my rest
Let your faith arise
Lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go
Come to me....I'm all you need
Come to me....I'm everything
I am your anger in the wind and the waves
I am your steadfast
so don't be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I'm your faithful strength
I am with you
Wherever you go
Don't look to the right or the left
Keep your eyes on me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved
I am the truth, I am the way
Come to me
I am all that you need.
I need to be held
held so, so tight
but it's in a way a person cannot do...
I need that overwhelming sense of protection, reassurance, security and peace to hold me.
I need God.
I feel alone today.
I want to hide under the covers & hide away from the world.
I need my broken spirit to be healed.
I know I have come such a long way...but I am so broken
I am shattered and desperate.
I need God to hold me for awhile until the world is lifted off of me
I am carrying the world on my shoulders and I am sinking
I feel like I am losing
My soul faints for Him
the song below..
when I hear it ...I think of Asheville
The crumbling point in my marriage
The last string holding us together was burned there
The romantic streets & the music.....yet no romance was there.
The shell of a person that he was
I gave my trust, my forgiveness....
I gave what I had to my lifeless marriage
He was always searching for the next quest
This woman is his newest venture
If she only knew to watch out.
I feel like a stupid woman for believing the lies
For staying as long as I did.
I am not broken because I want him back..
I am broken because I carelessly gave myself to him.
I am broken because I believed lies....I put trust in him
I am trying to forget the hell he put me through....and still is putting me through
I am trying to forget everything.
Crawling then walking Then running and sweating Forgetting Lying and cheating Aiding and abetting Forgetting Itching and scratching Punching and hitting Forgetting Reminding rewinding Removing regretting Forgetting Your smiles at the wake and Your tears at the wedding Forgetting Spellbound and hellbound And caught in the netting Forgetting Wiping it clean My mute Armageddon Forgetting
"There are people who can walk away from you...let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you...Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over."~T.D.Jakes i love this!! xoxoxo
I find myself putting up emotional walls...
I cant help it.
When someone says "I love you" or "I'm not going anywhere"
my first thought is "My husband said those things & he vowed the world to me...and then he walked out"
Its not fair to anyone that I do that.
I find myself getting quiet....shutting down....not talking...
why is this?
I hate it.
I literally have to coach my thoughts through this....I have to talk myself out of it.
This is hard
Betrayal, a broken heart, broken vows.....its tough.
Its so sad...the life you built burning down in front of you....and knowing you cant do anything to stop the fire because you didnt start it.
He set our house on fire....he sat and watched it burn.....he had a chance to stop the fire....but he didnt ..he just watched....he just set it and walked...
Now the house is burnt beyond repair....and I am here....I am here repairing the damage the best I can....My kids, my heart, my memories....my failure.
He walked away.....
I am still here dealing with the fire that caused death to my family.
I am in a peaceful place because of God, but I am still dealing with all these emotions that follow.
I am not sure how to trust or even to be loved.
I have walls....I need God to tear them down.
My walls are thick...I dont like them.
I often times become a coward and hide behind them
For some reason the walls that hinder me from love, also make me feel safe.
I realize this "safe" feeling is fake because the walls dont want to help me, they only want to harm me.
I will wake up everyday and tear them down...even if I dont want to...
I know I have no choice.
If I dont tear them down, I may die behind them...
and I may never truly love again...or truly be loved...
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
this song makes me cry....
by Jason Mraz "I wont give up"
one thing i have always struggled with is putting up emotional walls...
i think it comes from being betrayed a few times in my life
one betrayal started at birth
i have a hard time trusting someone with my emotions
i am very all or none
most people get a glimpse into my life....only a few get it all.
take for instance, my best friend Heather......
Heather gets it all...all my crazy emotions...she gets all my thoughts...
she knows all my sins...
she is my best friend in the world and so i give everything i have.
i am realizing that i had walls up for years in my marriage.
this is not a bash on him, but my needs were never met
my need for communication...for romance...quality time...
still not happening...
then the betrayal comes
then the walking out on me
then the "we're getting a divorce"
then ....here i am...
i no longer have to run on empty all the time.
i no longer have to live with a stranger.
i am so happy.
yesterday i laughed while crying....
i am sad at times simply at the fact of 8 years of my life...now a failure.
i have my whole life ahead of me
with two amazing kids
i have everything
i have God
that right there is everything
anything else is an additional happiness
i have let this go...i am moving on...
completely relying on God.
I am making mistakes, crying, laughing....figuring out how to deal.
but i am doing it...
and if you have God, you can too!