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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

one thing i have always struggled with is putting up emotional walls...
i think it comes from being betrayed a few times in my life
one betrayal started at birth
i have a hard time trusting someone with my emotions
i am very all or none
most people get a glimpse into my life....only a few get it all.
take for instance, my best friend Heather......
Heather gets it all...all my crazy emotions...she gets all my thoughts...
she knows all my sins...
she is my best friend in the world and so i give everything i have.
i am realizing that i had walls up for years in my marriage.
this is not a bash on him, but my needs were never met
my need for communication...for romance...quality time...
nothing.
not happening.
still not happening...
then the betrayal comes
then the walking out on me
then the "we're getting a divorce"
then ....here i am...
happy.
i no longer have to run on empty all the time.
i no longer have to live with a stranger.
i am so happy.
yesterday i laughed while crying....
i am sad at times simply at the fact of 8 years of my life...now a failure.
at 26
i have my whole life ahead of me
with two amazing kids
i have everything
i have God
that right there is everything
anything else is an additional happiness
i have let this go...i am moving on...
completely relying on God.
I am making mistakes, crying, laughing....figuring out how to deal.
but i am doing it...
and if you have God, you can too!

xoxo

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