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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I find myself putting up emotional walls...
I cant help it.
When someone says "I love you" or "I'm not going anywhere"
my first thought is "My husband said those things & he vowed the world to me...and then he walked out"
Its not fair to anyone that I do that.
I find myself getting quiet....shutting down....not talking...
why is this?
I hate it.
I literally have to coach my thoughts through this....I have to talk myself out of it.
This is hard
Betrayal, a broken heart, broken vows.....its tough.
Its sad.
Its so sad...the life you built burning down in front of you....and knowing you cant do anything to stop the fire because you didnt start it.
He set our house on fire....he sat and watched it burn.....he had a chance to stop the fire....but he didnt ..he just watched....he just set it and walked...
Now the house is burnt beyond repair....and I am here....I am here repairing the damage the best I can....My kids, my heart, my failure.
He walked away.....
I am still here dealing with the fire that caused death to my family.
I am in a peaceful place because of God, but I am still dealing with all these emotions that follow.
I am not sure how to trust or even to be loved.
I have walls....I need God to tear them down.
My walls are thick...I dont like them.
I often times become a coward and hide behind them
For some reason the walls that hinder me from love, also make me feel safe.
I realize this "safe" feeling is fake because the walls dont want to help me, they only want to harm me.
I will wake up everyday and tear them down...even if I dont want to...
I know I have no choice.
If I dont tear them down, I may die behind them...
and I may never truly love again...or truly be loved...


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