David Gray - Forgetting

Crawling then walking
Then running and sweating
Forgetting
Lying and cheating
Aiding and abetting
Forgetting
Itching and scratching
Punching and hitting
Forgetting
Reminding rewinding
Removing regretting
Forgetting
Your smiles at the wake and
Your tears at the wedding
Forgetting
Spellbound and hellbound
And caught in the netting
Forgetting
Wiping it clean
My mute Armageddon
Forgetting
..................................

i cry everytime..

"There are people who can walk away from you...let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you...Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over."~T.D.Jakes



i love this!!
xoxoxo

I find myself putting up emotional walls...
I cant help it.
When someone says "I love you" or "I'm not going anywhere"
my first thought is "My husband said those things & he vowed the world to me...and then he walked out"
Its not fair to anyone that I do that.
I find myself getting quiet....shutting down....not talking...
why is this?
I hate it.
I literally have to coach my thoughts through this....I have to talk myself out of it.
This is hard
Betrayal, a broken heart, broken vows.....its tough.
Its sad.
Its so sad...the life you built burning down in front of you....and knowing you cant do anything to stop the fire because you didnt start it.
He set our house on fire....he sat and watched it burn.....he had a chance to stop the fire....but he didnt ..he just watched....he just set it and walked...
Now the house is burnt beyond repair....and I am here....I am here repairing the damage the best I can....My kids, my heart, my memories....my failure.
He walked away.....
I am still here dealing with the fire that caused death to my family.
I am in a peaceful place because of God, but I am still dealing with all these emotions that follow.
I am not sure how to trust or even to be loved.
I have walls....I need God to tear them down.
My walls are thick...I dont like them.
I often times become a coward and hide behind them
For some reason the walls that hinder me from love, also make me feel safe.
I realize this "safe" feeling is fake because the walls dont want to help me, they only want to harm me.
I will wake up everyday and tear them down...even if I dont want to...
I know I have no choice.
If I dont tear them down, I may die behind them...
and I may never truly love again...or truly be loved...


xoxo

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
......................................................................

this song makes me cry....
by Jason Mraz "I wont give up"

Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up [Official Music Video]

this is what i want
this is what i deserve
someone who wont give up on me
ever..

one thing i have always struggled with is putting up emotional walls...
i think it comes from being betrayed a few times in my life
one betrayal started at birth
i have a hard time trusting someone with my emotions
i am very all or none
most people get a glimpse into my life....only a few get it all.
take for instance, my best friend Heather......
Heather gets it all...all my crazy emotions...she gets all my thoughts...
she knows all my sins...
she is my best friend in the world and so i give everything i have.
i am realizing that i had walls up for years in my marriage.
this is not a bash on him, but my needs were never met
my need for communication...for romance...quality time...
nothing.
not happening.
still not happening...
then the betrayal comes
then the walking out on me
then the "we're getting a divorce"
then ....here i am...
happy.
i no longer have to run on empty all the time.
i no longer have to live with a stranger.
i am so happy.
yesterday i laughed while crying....
i am sad at times simply at the fact of 8 years of my life...now a failure.
at 26
i have my whole life ahead of me
with two amazing kids
i have everything
i have God
that right there is everything
anything else is an additional happiness
i have let this go...i am moving on...
completely relying on God.
I am making mistakes, crying, laughing....figuring out how to deal.
but i am doing it...
and if you have God, you can too!

xoxo

goodies on Etsy

xoxo

the divorce diet:

lose 20lbs in 2 months...
awesome...right?
right!!
but then...
you start getting happy again...
and guess what??
... that weight starts creeping back on...
I think it's time to start running again!

xoxo

hang on
just hang on
for a minute
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to move on or forget it
but these are better days....
to be wrong all along and admit it is not amazing grace

oh, but to be loved like a song you remember
even when you've changed

........
"that wasn't me"

That Wasn't Me

i am a HUGE Brandi Carlile fan....

just wanted to share

xoxo