the divorce diet:

lose 20lbs in 2 months...
awesome...right?
right!!
but then...
you start getting happy again...
and guess what??
... that weight starts creeping back on...
I think it's time to start running again!

xoxo

hang on
just hang on
for a minute
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to move on or forget it
but these are better days....
to be wrong all along and admit it is not amazing grace

oh, but to be loved like a song you remember
even when you've changed

........
"that wasn't me"

That Wasn't Me

i am a HUGE Brandi Carlile fan....

just wanted to share

xoxo

reading Eat Pray Love:

this part was about her being in Italy & enjoying all the pleasures of food and language...yet deciding to be celibate while she was there....I love this part that reads:

"So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings"

sooo good!

if you are lonely, BE lonely.
if you are sad, BE sad
if you are happy, BE happy
if you are anything, BE it
it's ok...sometimes I think we need permission to feel.
I know I struggle with that.
My marriage was emotionally dead for YEARS...yes, years.
I became an expert at brushing off and stuffing my feelings.
I am now releasing all of that.
I also think that's why I have healed so quickly.
I am over him...
It's weird, yes. But it's true.
Honestly, when he said he was in love with another woman and that he connected with her on a level he didn't connect with me, yes it hurt LIKE CRAZY, but part of me understood. I knew we weren't connecting. Heck, part of me was a little jealous.
I won't settle next time.
I will make sure I am loved completely, through all the mess.
I will make sure I connect with them on a deep level.
I would have stayed committed until death in my lifeless marriage because I took my vows seriously.
Now, they are broken...and I feel refreshed to FEEL again.
this all may come as a surprise to the people reading thinking "But, they had the perfect marriage"
...remember, I am a master at numbing my feelings. I put on a smile anyways....Well, no more numbing. I will still keep a smile on my face ...but I refuse to be numb & boxed in. I feel so free...

xoxo

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

this song has played quite a few times since he left.
its true, you turn around & a months gone by.
i don't miss him anymore.
i forget what it was like with him here.
that's a great place to be in.
i am so much stronger.

xoxo

"i got dressed through the mess & put a smile on my face...i got a little bit stronger"

check these goodies out at the Etsy shop!

xoxo

When you go through something major....you have two choices...run to God or run from God..... for me, the obvious choice is to run to Him...I don't see how I could breathe otherwise, or understand any of this mess. God didn't do this. My husband did this. I don't blame anyone but my husband. I have had people ask me if I was angry with God....I am actually more in love with Him....He is my perfect husband, the lover of my soul, my constant, my renewal, my prince. To know Him on such an intimate level makes you complete...it makes you whole.....a person cannot complete you, only God can do that. To be honest, I am thankful for my suffering...I am thankful for this death in my life...because it has forced me to know who Kristin is, to know my strength...it has forced me to see God, breathe God, feel God, be held by God...

what is the craziest thing is knowing the Creator of all things wants me. He wants me in any form...any shape...my lowest points of wailing for hours on the floor barely breathing, He found me beautiful...He found me acceptable, but not only that, He picked me up and carried me to shore. He saw me drowning and rescued me. All I had to do was hold onto Him. All I had to do was believe. My future is unknown, but my future is going to be amazing!!!!...I know it because I believe it. I am trusting in the unseen...I am expecting great things....and I am excited about it...

xoxo

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And sleep no longer finds your bed
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, be still

If fear falls upon your bed and sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still be still and know

And if you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still be still be still

And if you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
Just know I am standing beside you
Be still be still be still

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am



- the fray


xoxo

I know I am not divorced yet, but being separated ....is actually refreshing.
Is that weird of me to say?
I am figuring out more about myself than I ever could have before.
Don't get me wrong, the day love comes my way again, I will be open to it (with a very guarded heart) ...but for now, while I heal & process, it's nice.....
I am in a good place...
I have had many people write me about how they have stumbled here to this blog & found understanding.
I am overjoyed to hear that.
You are understood...your pain is understood. You are not alone.
This is a place of honesty...a place of soul searching...a place of ruin and recovery.
This ruin has made me so much better.
If you have stumbled upon this blog ..know it's for a reason.
Your pain is understood......and so is your joy.
The journey from pain to joy can seem so, so long...but it will come.
A few months ago, my days went on and on and on...I thought the suffering would never end.
I promise you it does...and when you finally get up...you will look in the mirror soon after & realize YOU are worth so, so much...
It's amazing how we survive.
It's amazing how we heal.
I have been clinging to my God & my bible... & for me that is what has sped this process up ...knowing He is real...feeling that peace overtake me in the middle of a long night.
Feeling the comfort in the middle of an endless cry...
Feeling all of that pain is healthy....it's made me so much stronger, so much more confident.
My husband chose a different path....I refuse to let bitterness take root in me. I refuse.
I know one day...however long it takes to get to THAT day....life will feel whole again...the marriage I have always longed for, the love....the whole thing....but I am so complete right now...In Christ.
He has made me whole again....He has made me complete.
Anything added in the future will only be a bonus.
Whatever you may be dealing with...rather you have dealt with it already or are dealing with it right at this very moment, know that this too shall pass....you, like me, will get up.....you will rise again from the ashes...you will find strength in your ruin.


xoxo

a getaway this weekend was all i needed....i slept so well. i visited family. i got away from everything ...road trips have always been something i love....listening to music, stopping at random gas stations & buying junk food.........for me, its getting a huge fountain soda! i went to my hometown...reminisced over an old country store i went to as a kid, my elementary school that seems so much smaller than i can remember (i guess as a kid everything seems bigger).... visited my uncle who i just met last fall.....that's a whole other story all together. i am realizing that God heals ..time heals...and people come into your life to help you heal... every hug, every kind word, every sincere gift...each thing is handed to me and it heals a piece of my heart. pieces are coming back together. life is moving on.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"
Psalm 147:3

how true that is.


xoxo