reading Eat Pray Love:

this part was about her being in Italy & enjoying all the pleasures of food and language...yet deciding to be celibate while she was there....I love this part that reads:

"So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings"

sooo good!

if you are lonely, BE lonely.
if you are sad, BE sad
if you are happy, BE happy
if you are anything, BE it
it's ok...sometimes I think we need permission to feel.
I know I struggle with that.
My marriage was emotionally dead for YEARS...yes, years.
I became an expert at brushing off and stuffing my feelings.
I am now releasing all of that.
I also think that's why I have healed so quickly.
I am over him...
It's weird, yes. But it's true.
Honestly, when he said he was in love with another woman and that he connected with her on a level he didn't connect with me, yes it hurt LIKE CRAZY, but part of me understood. I knew we weren't connecting. Heck, part of me was a little jealous.
I won't settle next time.
I will make sure I am loved completely, through all the mess.
I will make sure I connect with them on a deep level.
I would have stayed committed until death in my lifeless marriage because I took my vows seriously.
Now, they are broken...and I feel refreshed to FEEL again.
this all may come as a surprise to the people reading thinking "But, they had the perfect marriage"
...remember, I am a master at numbing my feelings. I put on a smile anyways....Well, no more numbing. I will still keep a smile on my face ...but I refuse to be numb & boxed in. I feel so free...

xoxo

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

this song has played quite a few times since he left.
its true, you turn around & a months gone by.
i don't miss him anymore.
i forget what it was like with him here.
that's a great place to be in.
i am so much stronger.

xoxo

"i got dressed through the mess & put a smile on my face...i got a little bit stronger"

check these goodies out at the Etsy shop!

xoxo

When you go through something major....you have two choices...run to God or run from God..... for me, the obvious choice is to run to Him...I don't see how I could breathe otherwise, or understand any of this mess. God didn't do this. My husband did this. I don't blame anyone but my husband. I have had people ask me if I was angry with God....I am actually more in love with Him....He is my perfect husband, the lover of my soul, my constant, my renewal, my prince. To know Him on such an intimate level makes you complete...it makes you whole.....a person cannot complete you, only God can do that. To be honest, I am thankful for my suffering...I am thankful for this death in my life...because it has forced me to know who Kristin is, to know my strength...it has forced me to see God, breathe God, feel God, be held by God...

what is the craziest thing is knowing the Creator of all things wants me. He wants me in any form...any shape...my lowest points of wailing for hours on the floor barely breathing, He found me beautiful...He found me acceptable, but not only that, He picked me up and carried me to shore. He saw me drowning and rescued me. All I had to do was hold onto Him. All I had to do was believe. My future is unknown, but my future is going to be amazing!!!!...I know it because I believe it. I am trusting in the unseen...I am expecting great things....and I am excited about it...

xoxo

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And sleep no longer finds your bed
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, be still

If fear falls upon your bed and sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still be still and know

And if you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still be still be still

And if you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
Just know I am standing beside you
Be still be still be still

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am



- the fray


xoxo

I know I am not divorced yet, but being separated ....is actually refreshing.
Is that weird of me to say?
I am figuring out more about myself than I ever could have before.
Don't get me wrong, the day love comes my way again, I will be open to it (with a very guarded heart) ...but for now, while I heal & process, it's nice.....
I am in a good place...
I have had many people write me about how they have stumbled here to this blog & found understanding.
I am overjoyed to hear that.
You are understood...your pain is understood. You are not alone.
This is a place of honesty...a place of soul searching...a place of ruin and recovery.
This ruin has made me so much better.
If you have stumbled upon this blog ..know it's for a reason.
Your pain is understood......and so is your joy.
The journey from pain to joy can seem so, so long...but it will come.
A few months ago, my days went on and on and on...I thought the suffering would never end.
I promise you it does...and when you finally get up...you will look in the mirror soon after & realize YOU are worth so, so much...
It's amazing how we survive.
It's amazing how we heal.
I have been clinging to my God & my bible... & for me that is what has sped this process up ...knowing He is real...feeling that peace overtake me in the middle of a long night.
Feeling the comfort in the middle of an endless cry...
Feeling all of that pain is healthy....it's made me so much stronger, so much more confident.
My husband chose a different path....I refuse to let bitterness take root in me. I refuse.
I know one day...however long it takes to get to THAT day....life will feel whole again...the marriage I have always longed for, the love....the whole thing....but I am so complete right now...In Christ.
He has made me whole again....He has made me complete.
Anything added in the future will only be a bonus.
Whatever you may be dealing with...rather you have dealt with it already or are dealing with it right at this very moment, know that this too shall pass....you, like me, will get up.....you will rise again from the ashes...you will find strength in your ruin.


xoxo

a getaway this weekend was all i needed....i slept so well. i visited family. i got away from everything ...road trips have always been something i love....listening to music, stopping at random gas stations & buying junk food.........for me, its getting a huge fountain soda! i went to my hometown...reminisced over an old country store i went to as a kid, my elementary school that seems so much smaller than i can remember (i guess as a kid everything seems bigger).... visited my uncle who i just met last fall.....that's a whole other story all together. i am realizing that God heals ..time heals...and people come into your life to help you heal... every hug, every kind word, every sincere gift...each thing is handed to me and it heals a piece of my heart. pieces are coming back together. life is moving on.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"
Psalm 147:3

how true that is.


xoxo

ruin is a gift
ruin is the road to transformation

-eat pray love

I started reading Eat Pray Love.
Oh I can't put it down.
This part really spoke to me.
Her journey to self-discovery is brave & admirable.
I am learning a lot from her.
Finding yourself again....Finding a new path
Allowing God is pave a new way for me
All these plans I had...to be married, have more children
That's all changed
At least it's all on halt for awhile
Maybe I will meet another amazing guy someday and have more children
But maybe I wont
And although I can pray and hope for that
I need to be ok with ME
Just me
Just God
Just the kids
And I am finding so much joy in those things
I get to stay up late when I want
I can control the remote
Sleep in the middle of the bed
Cook or not cook
There is less laundry............
I am just trying to find the best of this mess
That does not mean I am not feeling all the other emotions
It just means I choose not to dwell on them
I choose to be joyful...I choose to trust God to lead me on
I have 10 more months of seperation ahead...I have already accepted it
I see it as 10 months of self-discovery...10 months of pain & trial...but at the same time 10 months of being carried & filled with joy by God...
10 months of finding Kristin again.....

Its 10 am on a Thursday
and I feel great!

xoxo

even when it hurts
even when its hard
even when it all just falls apart
i will run to you
you are the lover of my soul
healer of my scars
you steady my heart
im not gonna worry
i know you have me in the palm of your hand
i know i can trust you.
i will run to you
find refuge in your arms
i will sing to you
because of everything you are
you steady my heart

kari jobe- steady my heart

I'm alive
even though a part of me has died.

You know, I haven't cried in two days. First time I can say that in 3 months.
And I also have laughed alot these past few days. Genuine, true laughter.
I am starting to get into a groove. At first you take each day, each minute as it comes...
I am starting to enjoy life again...truly enjoy each beautiful day. I am focusing all of my energy on God, my kids & my business. Making this house into my own. Working on me. Healing. It's a nice place to be...I am at peace. I couldn't say that a month ago. Everyday gets better, everyday gets easier.
The divorce is final in June.
I know I did everything I could. I know I fought to save my marriage. I know I said everything I could.
So I am ok. I can let him walk away with no regrets.
You can't make someone love you.
And I shouldn't have to.
I am worth so much.
And I know that.

xoxo

sometimes you just have to let people walk away.
this wasn't your fault.
no you aren't perfect, but you don't have to be.
you shouldn't be expected to be.
so here we are.
life has handed us a mess.
I am giving mine to God.
All of it.
I have to move ahead.
knowing God gives only good things to those who live for Him.
I hold onto that.
I ask Him to lead me on.
my future is unknown.
yes, I am sad and angry right now...but I am choosing to be excited about my second chance at life...even my second chance for love.
To be excited about what lies ahead...knowing, I didn't do this.
I didn't choose this mess....but I know good will come of it.
IF I cling to God and I let it go...
sometimes you just have to let people walk away.


xoxo

Oh how He loves us
Nothing can separate us from this Love
We can try to ignore it, we can refuse it, we can even deny it
But it's there.
Waiting, beautifully patient.
Waiting on you...waiting on me.
The ultimate Prince, the Creator, The Writer of the Written Word.
He whispers to me.
He loves me.
I fall asleep & I am not alone..
This Love has taken over.
I have been overwhelmed.
All I had to do was believe it...all I had to do was take it.
He comes in and whispers peace to the broken, the widowed, the lonely, the addict, the desperate.
He never leaves.
He is overwhelming.
He is everything. He is my every breath.
I am not afraid. I am not scared of what lies ahead.
I trust Him.
I trust in the God that never changes, never relents, never leaves.
The God who is constant, who is good, who is trustworthy.

xoxo

All I can do is hold onto these scriptures...these amazing words...this incredible living Word of God...my Bible....
these verses I cling to:

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still"
Exodus 14:14

"Be still & know that I am God"

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer & supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God"
Phil 4:6

"Ask and it will be given, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you"
Luke 11:9

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you"
Psalm 55:22

"Find rest in your souls, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light"
Matt 11:30

"And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive"
Matt 21:22

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"
Psalm 147:3

"If you abide in Me and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire and it shall be done for you"
John 15:7
..........................
these are just a few of thousands of LIVING, active, breathing, true words for YOU and me.

what I get out of these is this:
You believe, you have faith, you abide in the Lord, you hold onto Him, you rely on Him...and in return, He will do above and beyond what we can imagine....He said it. Its in the Word...it is written....having faith is believing in the unseen....right now, for me, I see a very unknown future...I am angry and devastated...BUT I believe, I am holding onto the promises my INCREDIBLE God has promised me....He says He will never leave us or forsake us...He is all we need. He is all I need. He says we need only to BE STILL...and watch HIM fight for us. If you are like me, a hopeless romantic, whose desire is for a prince to fight for her...then you can know that I am believing in that for my future...but I know that Jesus is my perfect husband right now...He holds me, carries me, FIGHTS for me...He is the perfect prince, the perfect date, the ultimate romantic. He is everything.

xoxo

don't look back ..
the road is long.
for if you never let go
you'll never make it to the great unknown
keep your eyes open.



a song from Need to Breathe

xo

anger....boy am I angry.
I am angry, then I am sad...then I am ok.
And the insane cycle continues
All I know is God is constant
Constantly loving..constantly peaceful.
Everything else I am taking day by day
hour by hour, minute by minute.
I choose to laugh at everything and anything I can.
why not...
The second I get my focus off of myself, peace follows
That is hard..I have to admit
It's so easy to stop and think "wow, this is actually happening"
But ....I am choosing to focus on God, the kids, my business
and all of my blessings...there are so, so many.
even the smallest of things.
Plus I am getting stronger everyday
I know who I am in Christ
I am worth so much more than this.
So, as angry as I am...
I am thankful

xoxo

why?
the question that is never far away
but healing doesn't come from the explained
here I am
what's left of me
I'm alive
even though a part of me has died
you take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
when the hurt and the healer collide
breathe
sometimes I feel its all I can do
pain so deep that I can hardly move
just keep my eyes completely fixed on you

I'm alive
even though a part of me has died
you take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
when the hurt and the healer collide
.....................................................
....this is from a Mercy Me song "the hurt & the healer"
it's just bits of the song...but it is so inspiring.
I had to share
music really has a way of connecting us to our own self
it's beautiful

Joy may seem so impossible to you. The word may seem so foreign you wonder if you will ever reach that place. I promise you, you will. I can also promise that God is the Prince of peace, the perfect husband, the ultimate romantic, the One who can hold you at night when you feel alone, the One who can meet every need. This too, may seem foreign...just know He is there..waiting for you to call on Him if you choose to. Oh He will do for you more than you can imagine. I am living & breathing proof.

"Find rest in your souls for my yoke is easy & my burden is light"
Matthew 11:30

Doesn't that just sound peaceful and lovely? It does to me.

I dare you to move.
I know you may not want to.
I know it may seem impossible to get up out of bed, or to get up off the floor.
I know it may feel like the crying will never end.
I also know the days and nights go on forever.

If you are there, know the pain will slow, the tears will dry, the suffering will stop.
I promise.
Sadness & anger are natural, normal feelings.
I also dare you to feel them.
Not to ease the pain with alcohol/drugs....I believe with all of me that when you allow yourself to feel every ounce of that pain, you will get out of it faster & stronger.
Everyday YOU are getting stronger.
YOU, this amazing, wonderfully made person.
Get up, I dare you.

xoxo Kristin

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


xoxo

if are are going through something tragic, whether its a husband leaving, someone passing away, a child dying...you will find yourself in a very desperate place. know that is ok. know that you are right where you need to be. cry when you need to. free yourself to feel.
in my situation, and for those of you who have just had a husband leave you (in my case for another woman),  you wake up day after day and wonder "is this a dream?" (more like a nightmare)....it will feel like the twilight zone for awhile. you will probably lose weight, tap into a cry deeper than a human should & not feel like moving. this is ok. honestly, this process of desperation & suffering WILL make you stronger. i know it may not feel like it. if you are reading this blog my hopes for you, as the reader, is to find a sense of understanding & feeling understood. whether you are going through this, or a friend. i want to take what has happened to me and reach out to others.
one huge thing you need to know as the reader is my relationship with God.
you may not have ever thought about God & that's ok.
i will be transparent about my relationship with Him with no hesitation.
know this up front.
He is everything to me. and i mean everything.
even more so now since going through this.
the only way that i am in the place i am right this moment is because of Him.

i have found through these past few months when my pain and suffering is too overwhelming for me to handle alone, i offer it to Him as praise ....(sounds weird, huh?)....but only the God of comfort could take my pain & when i offer it to Him and thank Him anyways, i am overwhelmed on an extreme level with comfort and peace. there is no other way to explain ..but God.

a few verses i have been clinging to:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"
Psalm 147:3

(wow, isn't that amazing!!)

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain you"
Psalm 55:22

again...wow!

you may be reading this & have never heard of God or wanted to...or maybe you have but haven't opened up His word. I promise you, this amazing Book of Life is the only thing to get you through this. The only joy you will find out there. you may turn to other things, but i promise promise promise this Book, this living word of God ..the God who created all things, will do over and above for you if you call on Him.
i urge you to open up to the back of the bible where you can look up specific words "brokenhearted", "betrayal", "anger", "comfort"...and it will guide you to places in the bible about those specific words. this has helped me tremendously.
Know it WILL be ok. oh i promise you.
Rock bottom will come (may already have for you)
and know that rock bottom is hard, painful and desperate...
BUT the light is there ...there is light at the end of the tunnel
Get up.
choose joy today...everything you do for awhile will have to be a choice, if you go on feelings, it will be much harder much longer.
please know how precious, valuable and incredible YOU are.
when your husband looks you in the eyes and says he doesn't love you anymore...he doesn't want you anymore....it messes with you.
and it should.
but, one day soon you will realize your worth and know he is missing out.
this is his loss
not mine
i am a lot of woman with a lot to offer
and i know that
you will too.
trust me.
xoxo

You were reaching through the storm, walking on the water, even when I could not see.
In the middle of it all, when I thought you were a thousand miles away..
Not for a moment did you forsake me.
After all, you are constant
After all, you are only good
After all, you are sovereign
Not for a moment will you forsake me.
You were singing in the dark whispering your promise, even when I could not hear
I was held in your arms, carried for a thousand miles.
Not for a moment did you forsake me.
In my worst, when my world falls down
even in the dark
even when its hard
you will never leave me
After all, you are constant
After all, you are only good
After all, you are sovereign
Not for a moment will you forsake me.....

this song by Meredith Andrews has been a huge blessing to me.
God is so good.

this is me.
everything in my life has changed.
i will continue sharing bits of my life on here.
just know everything has changed.
everything,
ruin is the road to transformation.
i have been ruined.
its been months since my husband left & i am ready to talk about it.
the suffering & pain are coming to a halt.
i am stronger.
i am more confident.
i have been through hell & i have survived.
i know i was made for greatness.
i intend to make my life better from here on out.
i will use this to make me better...stronger,
God has become my comforter and my peace.
He has carried me.
there is no other explaination to my joy.
this will now become my shop blog & my journal.
i hope that is ok.
xoxo